Okay, this .. yeah.
Posted: Mar 02, 2010 7:26pm
I know this isn't good, I know this isn't something I should share; but I hate writing something without someone seeing it. And I can't show it to people one on one.. so here it is.
I don’t like the sting; I’m not big on sharp pains. Then why do I do it? Why DO I do it? I deserve it. Weren’t you raised to believe bad people get what they deserve? A karmic backlash? Yeah, it’s like that. I never do get what I deserve. Sure, I’ve had horrible things happen to me, but I’ve never really felt I have. That’s why I need to do this. Sick and twisted? Maybe. I mean, probably, but what am I to do? This is me, giving control to an object and that object is me. Shut up, shut up. What kind of logic is that? The logic of an addict is what. I need that sting to bring me to my knees, I need that drip to echo in my head. But it’s all so hollow. Hollow like my thoughts and feelings. Detached is the word; yes, detached. Why so detached? I have no idea. It’s not like my problems aren’t the usual. I suppose I’m just a lesser being in that way. Less able, more enabled. I’ve retreated so far away, I don’t even know who I am. Where I am. So far away. You know what I do feel? Anger, sadness, hate. I can turn those on at a drop of a hat, but I can’t turn them off. I’m so cold. I don’t even believe my own laugh anymore. What is that? A laugh I can’t trust? Another wall, another block. I thought I was past the facades, apparently not. Maybe those facades were me, but they aren’t now. God I hope they are me again soon. But you know what’s funny? As much as I detest myself, I’ll be damned if I’m not my soul reason for being. I want to die. I want to die, but I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to die as badly as I want to make myself hurt. I don’t understand it, I don’t understand it. I need help, I realize this. But what will help do? Change me? No, don’t want that, that jeopardizes everything. I need help, but what will help do? This is all in MY head. I can’t find these thoughts though, there’s too much empty space. Why so much empty space? Am I in there? Hello? Can I help you, me? Where are you? Jessie, I love you, come back. Jessie, come back, I miss you, I love you. Stop it, you need to stop it. It’s going to get worse, you know it’s going to get worse, why do you keep doing this? I know you don’t like the pain, what happened to that selfish protectionism? Jessie, you need to listen to me. How many more scars are you going to make? It’s not just you, it’s never just been you. I thought you were considerate, I thought you put others before you. What happened to that? Selfish [censored], you drop bombs like invitations. You’re not worth the worry you put people through. Maybe you’re right to do this to yourself, you obviously… no, no no no no no no no. Stop, you need to stop it. I need to stop it. I wish I had other voices, it’s so lonely. I’m so lonely.
I don’t like the sting; I’m not big on sharp pains. Then why do I do it? Why DO I do it? I deserve it. Weren’t you raised to believe bad people get what they deserve? A karmic backlash? Yeah, it’s like that. I never do get what I deserve. Sure, I’ve had horrible things happen to me, but I’ve never really felt I have. That’s why I need to do this. Sick and twisted? Maybe. I mean, probably, but what am I to do? This is me, giving control to an object and that object is me. Shut up, shut up. What kind of logic is that? The logic of an addict is what. I need that sting to bring me to my knees, I need that drip to echo in my head. But it’s all so hollow. Hollow like my thoughts and feelings. Detached is the word; yes, detached. Why so detached? I have no idea. It’s not like my problems aren’t the usual. I suppose I’m just a lesser being in that way. Less able, more enabled. I’ve retreated so far away, I don’t even know who I am. Where I am. So far away. You know what I do feel? Anger, sadness, hate. I can turn those on at a drop of a hat, but I can’t turn them off. I’m so cold. I don’t even believe my own laugh anymore. What is that? A laugh I can’t trust? Another wall, another block. I thought I was past the facades, apparently not. Maybe those facades were me, but they aren’t now. God I hope they are me again soon. But you know what’s funny? As much as I detest myself, I’ll be damned if I’m not my soul reason for being. I want to die. I want to die, but I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to die as badly as I want to make myself hurt. I don’t understand it, I don’t understand it. I need help, I realize this. But what will help do? Change me? No, don’t want that, that jeopardizes everything. I need help, but what will help do? This is all in MY head. I can’t find these thoughts though, there’s too much empty space. Why so much empty space? Am I in there? Hello? Can I help you, me? Where are you? Jessie, I love you, come back. Jessie, come back, I miss you, I love you. Stop it, you need to stop it. It’s going to get worse, you know it’s going to get worse, why do you keep doing this? I know you don’t like the pain, what happened to that selfish protectionism? Jessie, you need to listen to me. How many more scars are you going to make? It’s not just you, it’s never just been you. I thought you were considerate, I thought you put others before you. What happened to that? Selfish [censored], you drop bombs like invitations. You’re not worth the worry you put people through. Maybe you’re right to do this to yourself, you obviously… no, no no no no no no no. Stop, you need to stop it. I need to stop it. I wish I had other voices, it’s so lonely. I’m so lonely.
have i been away too long? 