tons of puns

[soulanubis666]

i found these on some site.

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
7. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you
A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted...'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21 A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Dark Wing]

hey these are really funny where you get them from

[soulanubis666]

i got it from bull yard hoedowns...but its not there anymore.

[soulanubis666]

some of these r lame ok...

what does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall?

Spoiler

Show

DAM!

[soulanubis666]

a horse walks in2 a bar and the bartender says why the long face?

[soulanubis666]

Three girs went to God just before they went down to earth and told him how they wanted to be when the came down. The First girl said, "I want to be samrt." So God sent her down as a Red Head. The second girl said, "I want to be smart and pretty" so God sent her down as a burnett. The third girl said I want to be pretty and self absorbed. So he sent her down as a man.


A biker dies and wakes up in heaven. Upon looking back on his life he realises he shouldn't be here so he says to himself I should ask God why I'm here.

When he asks him, God said, "There is no Hell. This is the only place you can go."

So the biker looks around and notices
a group of people outside of the pearly gates, kicking themselves in the ass, and he said "What about them?"

God says "They didn't know this was the only place you could go either, so they were good their whole lives."


Two old guys named George and Tom were life-long best friends who loved baseball. They had both played in their younger days, and now they made it a point to go to every game that they could.

One day, they're discussing whether or not there is baseball in Heaven, and they make a pact that whomever dies first will find a way to come back and let the other one know.

Eventually, George dies, and appears as a ghost in Tom's bedroom one night. Tom, of course, is overjoyed to see his friend once again, and after the initial greetings he asks George whether or not there is, in fact, baseball in Heaven.

"Well Tom," George says, "I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?" Tom asks.

George states, "There -is- baseball in Heaven. The field is made of solid gold, and the bases are fluffy little clouds. And since God himself is the umpire, there's never a bad call. It's wonderful!"

Tom, of course, is thrilled at this news, and says so, but George reminds him that there is still the matter of the bad news.

"After news like that," Tom says, "nothing could get me down! What's the bad news?"

George replies, "You're pitching next Tuesday."

[Atomosk]

hehehe, i've heard those before, but it's funny to read them again